Honest Martyn's Travelling Carnival

The Attractions of the Carnival

Honest Martyn is not Honest. This is his Carnival. He will do everything he can to squeeze every coin from you he can, with that 'Honest' smile and twinkle of the teeth.

1 - The Bigtop

There are to be 6 Performances in each production, each performed in the order they were rolled. Roll a d6 for each such performance, a roll of 1 indicates something has gone disastrously wrong. If a second performance goes wrong in a production, it ends early.

Martyn's Performances
1 - Monster Taming - 1 in 6 chance of the death of the tamer
2 - Acrobatics - 1 in 6 chance of a terrible fall
3 - Magic Tricks - 1 in 6 chance of the aide drowning in the tank
4 - Menagerie Parade - 1 in 6 chance of one of the 'exhibits' going rampaging
5 - Bariambo the Clown - 1 in 6 chance of those knives actually being quite real
6 - The Mime - 1 in 6 chance of an audience member permanently disappearing
7 - Dare-devil Stunts - 1 in 6 chance of a terrible crash with the audience
8 - A Burlesque Performance - 1 in 6 chance of the stage completely collapsing
9 - A Strongman Performance - 1 in 6 chance of BARBARIAN RAGE
10 - The Fortune Teller - 1 in 6 chance of uncomfortable predictions
11 - A Theater Troupe - 1 in 6 chance of a lack of acting in the murders
12 - Brilliant Musicians - 1 in 6 chance of ear-shredding cacophony
13 - Ballet Performance - 1 in 6 chance of the lift turning into a throw
14 - Fire-Eaters - 1 in 6 chance of catastrophic conflagration
15 - Contortionists - 1 in 6 chance of permanent contortion
16 - Blade Jugglers - 1 in 6 chance of limb removal
17 - Oh, you know, those emo dick-heads - 5 in 6 chance of everyone feeling really depressed
18 - Bull Fighting - 1 in 6 chance of goring and trampling
19 - The Cannon - 1 in 6 chance of audience demolishment
20 - Abstract Art Performance - 1 in 6 chance of everyone's minds being turned inside-out

2 - The Food Stalls

Roll twice to determine the bizarre foods served in the carnival. They are mostly not harmful at the very least, but if the player says anything to the effect of "This sounds really gross!" then there is a 1 in 3 chance that the food is actually poisonous.

Food Generator
1 - Candy | Floss
2 - Toffee | Apple
3 - Sausage | Roll
4 - Cheese | Burger
5 - Hot | Dog
6 - Mulled | Wine
7 - Roast | Peanuts
8 -Pop | Corn
9 -Iced | Cake
10 - Bacon | Butty
11 - Slush | Puppy
12 - Chocolate | Coffee
13 - Beef | Burrito
14 - Banana | Split
15 - Hog | Roast
16 - Spicy | Beans
17 - Milk | Shake
18 - Rhubarb | Custard
19 - Pepper | Mint
20 - Frozen | Yoghurt

3 - The Travelling Menagerie

There are 6 exhibits on show at any one time. Each has an Unfortunate Origin that can be discovered through knowledge, guile, or investigation. Each also has an Unfortunate Condition that makes the creature's life just that little more miserable.

Menagerie Generator
1 - A Mermaid
2 - A Chimera
3 - A Brain-Child
4 - A Double-Horse
5 - A Flock Ironbats
6 - The MultiBear
7 - A Clutch of Snake-Worms
8 - A Bull-Man
9 - Flock of Harpies
10 - A Pair of Tritons
11 - A Fungodile
12 - The Living Stone
13 - A Hypnotic Spider
14 - The Fish-Within-The-Shark
15 - The Jelly Knight
16 - A Frozen Maiden
17 - The Many-Faced Man
18 - A Scraggle of Roach-Boys
19 - A Cacohodon
20 - An Aborted Godling

Unfortunate Origins
1 - They have been Sewn together from parts and pieces
2 - They have been built through Necromantic Techniques
3 - They are the result of Illusions and Trickery
4 - They are thus through the manipulation of Paints and Mirrors
5 - They are an Ingeniously Designed Automaton
6 - They are Actually the Real Deal

Unfortunate Conditions
1 - They sit in a puddle of filth
2 - Their skin is loose and folded
3 - Their eyes weep a black oil
4 - They are missing probably key body parts
5 - They are bound in chains
6 - Their veins bulge and ripple
7 - Their keeper is cruel and moody
8 - Their food is meager and pathetic
9 - The cage is cramped and claustrophobic
10 - They are lethargic and painfully thin
11 - They are just infested with parasites
12 - They are glassy-eyed, and barely conscious
13 - They are dead, suspended now in preservatives
14 - They have been roped into a fight-pit
15 - They are missing most of their teeth
16 - Small children prod them with sticks
17 - There is little water available for them
18 - The ceiling is just too low
19 - Their enclosure is bare and barren
20 - They are literally dead and rotting

4 - The Side Show Games

Roll twice each for the Game and the Prize to see what contests there are at the Carnival and what might be won from them. It is up to the DM's discretion what the requirements for winning a contest.

Game Generator
1 - Coconut | Shy
2 - Ring | Throw
3 - Hoop | Toss
4 - Obstacle | Course
5 - Ferret | Race
6 - Sumo | Wrestle
7 - Bean | Count
8 - Karaoke | Competition
9 - Balance | Battle
10 - High | Ropes
11 - Pig | Chase
12 - China | Smash
13 - Egg | Catch
14 - Apple | Bobbing
15 - Lucky | Dip
16 - Balloon | Pop
17 - Pie | Eating
18 - Hook | Duck
19 - Pooh | Sticks
20 - Corn | Maze

Prize Generator
1 - Custard | Surprise
2 - Balloon | Animal
3 - Novelty | Suit
4 - Teddy | Bear
5 - String of | Beads
6 - Bag of | Sweeties
7 - False | Teeth
8 - Disguise | Glasses
9 - Garden | Gnome
10 - Meat | Pie
11 - Jelly | Snake
12 - Fancy | Hat
13 - Ice | Cream
14 - Giant | Banana
15 - Golden | Trophy
16 - China | Doll
17 -  Cheap | Toy
18 - Inflatable | Instrument
19 - Water | Gun
20 - Gift | Bag

5 - Bariambo the Clown

Bariambo is a shit clown. He is however, scarily strong, and the enforcer of the Carnival's security policies. His Clown Wagon contains a near infinite amount of "Guard Apes" to deal with trouble-makers.

Bariambo's Most Recent Trickery
1 - He attempts a card trick, several times, eventual they end up on the floor in frustration
2 - He attempts slapstick, but actually hurts himself, and swears profusely before storming off
3 - He attempts to unicycle, falls, tries again, falls, yells in rage, and breaks it on his knee
4 - He attempts to juggle, but keeps hitting himself, he throws them into the audience
5 - He attempts to make children laugh, but they all cry at his horrifying visage
6 - He attempts to make a joke, but botches it over and over, his audience disperse
7 - He attempts get into his clown cart, but can't quite fit before breaking the roof
8 - He attempts to walk a tight-rope, getting some way before the rope snaps beneath him
9 - He attempts to ride an ostrich, but crushes the animal beneath his weight, he kicks it
10 - He attempts to knife throw around a volunteer, but hits them and stomps off in frustration
11 - He attempts to play the accordion, but accidentally pulls it in half after a terrible performance
12 - He attempts a ventriloquism bit, but the mannequin starts swearing to his annoyance
13 - He attempts to touch up his make-up, and messes it up massively, getting a load in his eye
14 - He attempts to create balloon animals, but they all burst in his face and he stomps on them
15 - He attempts to tell a story, but keeps getting events mixed up, children correct him
16 - He attempts to throw a custard pie, but misses, and angrily storms off, but slips in the custard
17 - He attempts to balance a spinning plate, but it falls, and cuts a rope on a tent
18 - He attempts to breathe fire, but sets his chin on fire, he runs away screaming
19 - He attempts to remove a rowdy visitor from the carnival, beating them senseless
20 - He attempts to drown his sorrows in alcohol

6 - "The Mime"

"The Mime" is an illusionist of considerable skill and creativity. They (apart from being ambiguously gendered) spy on potential trouble-makers and other such "persons of interest" for Martyn, besides just doing quiet creepy things for their own enjoyment.
Roll a d12 while all is well. Roll d20 if something is amiss. Roll d8+12 if they are on to you.

The Mime's Shenanigans
1 - People hang motionless in the air, screaming silently
2 - He mimes fishing, pulling up rocks out of the earth
3 - He "walks downstairs" behind some crates, he is gone
4 - He "walks upstairs" into the sky, higher and higher
5 - He mimes chopping wood, boxes split apart improbably
6 - He mimes shooting a bow, birds drop from the sky
7 - He pantomime panics, waving and pointing, before onwatchers are bowled away
8 - He mimes climbing up onto ledges, he disappears when he pulls himself up
9 - He mimes conducting, ethereal music drifts across the carnival
10 - He mimes puppeteering, people dance jankily with horrified expressions
11 - He holds fruit, he mimes chopping, and it falls to pieces
12 - He mimes walking into a wall, people laugh, they can't pass either
13 - He simply stands, and stares
14 - He follows, feigning pantomime innocence
15 - He watches intently, as he stamps on ants
16 - He sticks out his foot, you trip though he is metres away
17 - He mimes a lasso, you choke, though only for a moment
18 - He mimes creeping, you hear nothing, not even your own breathing
19 - He is still, and cold, and pale, on the floor like a discarded doll
20 - He mimes drowning, he floats up into the air tumbling forever, your lungs fill with air, but it is water, you float up into the air tumbling forever, but there is no water, there is no water!

7 - The Hall of Mirrors

The Hall of Mirrors is a sinister place. No-one goes there, and for good reason. The visions are... unsettling.

1 - Hearts: You see yourself in the house of flesh, split open like a fruit.
2 - Knives: You see yourself claiming vengeance unexpectedly in the night.
3 - Dusts: You see yourself stranded out in the desert dry and dead.
4 - Vines: You see yourself strung up from a tree, fungus grows in your meats
5 - Stars: You see the infinities of the High Wilderness of Nights, you suffocate up there
6 - Snakes: You see yourself in a nest of coiled and entwined snakes, they bite over and over
7 - Bone: You see yourself in the Haunted House, something creeps up behind you
8 - Clocks: You see the passage of time, you cannot comprehend what you see
9 - Inks: You see the interior of a library, you are surrounded by books
10 - Swords: You see yourself in the midst of a great battle, drenched in blood
11 - Scales: You see a great pile of gold, it stirs, something awaits within
12 - Ice: You see your family, dead and cold in the snow, you gnaw on them, you had no choice
13 - Flames: You see your home burning to the ground, you watch with relief on your face
14 - Silks: You see yourself in the Fortune Teller's Tent, mist fills the air
15 - BLACK: You see only Blackness.
16 - Silver: You see yourself within a forest that is no forest, in a world that is no world
17 - Furs: You see yourself in the Menagerie Tent, your face twisted in disgust
18 - Stripes: You see yourself out in the Carnival, the Mime watches with hate on their face
19 - Skulls: You see yourself in the ground, dead and buried
20 - Voids: You see yourself, only your face is gone, and your body is empty and hollow

8 - The Fortune-Teller's Tent

The Fortune Teller is the genuine deal, though they don't trot out their actual magic for the plebs and punters. Usually. It would require a lot of coin and persuasiveness to convince them to perform a proper reading for you. They usually cast for Martyn, to determine where best to go next, or the best hiding place from their current predicament, and honestly they are the only reason the Carnival is still in business at all.

1 - Wealth
2 - Fame
3 - Skill
4 - Secrets
5 - Land
6 - Relics
7 - Faith
8 - Revenge
9 - Relief
10 - Rest
11 - Might
12 - Comfort
13 - Progress
14 - Charity
15 - Protection
16 - Love
17 - Power
18 - Magic
19 - Happiness
20 - Immortality

9 - The Haunted House

It seems normal. For everyone else it is. But for you, it will be a nightmare come alive. There will be no evidence of such once you are out. Death is an escape, but it would not be pleasant. The memories will never leave you.
Once you are within the Haunted House, the first 4 or so rooms are just filled with your usual spooky stuff. Then, you are trapped, though you won't realise at first. At this point, new rooms are rolled on the following table. Escape is possible once 13 rooms are explored. Duplicate rooms are spooky, but empty.

Rooms of the Haunted House
1 - This is the room that floods with Blood and Organs, it will follow you too
2 - This is the room with the Zombies beneath the bed, many many Zombies
3 - This is the room that is made of teeth, they gnaw on you if you remain long
4 - This is the room that the butcher prepares food, he will prepare you too
5 - This is the room that is filled with blades and saws, they will come to life soon
6 - This is the room where the floor collapses into an infinite pit of blackness
7 - This is the room where the spiders dwell, and they are spun many, many webs
8 - This is the room where the corpse in the cupboard is psychotic and unstoppable
9 - This is the room where the tide of limbs pulls itself out of the well infinitely
10 - This is the room where the floor is a mire and chains fly out of the walls to get you
11 - This is the room where there is only darkness, and a demon thing to hunt you
12 - This is the room that contains your greatest mistake and the punishment for it
13 - This is the room that never ends, walls out infinitely, and gently slopping down forever
14 - This is the room where the sky boils with thunder, and tentacles pluck you from the earth
15 - This is the room that is all aflame, and the dying grasp at you for mercy from the flames
16 - This is the room that has the hag who boils up soup made from your mummy
17 - This is the room where the bodies of all your friends have been mulched up
18 - This is the room where parasites crawl into your flesh through your eyes and ears
19 - This is the room where the doctor will fix you with knives and wrenches and saws
20 - This is the room where you die

10 - The House of FLESH

The House of FLESH is gaudily appointed, and seems to clearly be a brothel. It is anything but. It certainly doesn't appear to be really 20 floors tall. Each floor is more and more expensive than the last, and provides further and further pleasures. Floors 13 and up at least will leave permanent scares. Some might even provide benefits. The Highest Floors are totally transformative (in a Hellraiser kind of way).

The Levels of the House of FLESH
1 - Pleasant company and fine food
2 - Kisses and flattery
3 - Teasing and dancing
4 - Warmth and closeness
5 - Pleasure and caresses
6 - Sex and sweat
7 - Sex and slaps
8 - Sex and ropes
9 - Sex and paddles
10 - Sex and knives
11 - Sex and flames
12 - Sex and brutalising
13 - Sex and maiming
14 - Sex and death and resuscitation
15 - Sex and mental scarring
16 - Sex and reconstructive surgery
17 - Sex and reconstitution
18 - Sex and dissociation
19 - Sex and universal awareness
20 - Sex and No Returns

11 - The Joust

Basically the WWF of Jousting. Ridiculousness, fakeness, drama. Play it up. Roll twice to determine the two challengers for each match. If you roll doubles, they face... THEIR ANTI-CLONE!

The Contestants
1 - A Skeleton riding a Skeleton Horse. Calls himself; "Mr Bones"
2 - A Knight with bright Pink Hair riding a Unicorn. Calls himself; "Sir Rainbows"
3 - A Cloaked Stranger riding a horse that appears to be made of brambles. Gives no name.
4 - A Classic Strong-man riding another Classic Strong-man. Call themselves the Mighty Bruno (collectively apparently).
5 - An emo dressed in deep black leather armour riding a horse with flaming eyes. Calls himself "the Hellknight". Seems like a dickhead.
6 - A huge, HUGE man riding a dinky little horse. Calls himself "The Lump".
7 - A mysterious foreigner in lacquered armour riding a lizard. Calls themselves "Samurai".
8 - A Knight in shining armour Riding a Stallion. Calls themselves "Sir Milquetoast".
9 - A naked man riding a big dog. Calls themselves "James".
10 - A Southerner in a turban, blue skinned, and riding a sandy horse. Calls themselves "Saladin".
11 - A mysterious man bound up all about in bandages, riding a similarly bandaged horse. Calls themselves "Fedduci".
12 - A serious man wearing half-plate upon a scarred horse. Calls themselves "The Professional".
13 - A woman dressed in animal skins riding a FUCKING BEAR. Calls herself "Little Miss Dinky".
14 - A woman covered in terrible burns, riding a likewise scarred horse. Calls herself "Singed."
15 - A pale-skinned woman  riding a white horse. Calls herself "The Frosty Reception".
16 - A woman wrapped around thickly in her own hair, riding a horse that also appears to be entirely wrapped in the rider's hair. Calls herself "Rap-lance-l."
17 - A woman with fire-cracker breast-plates, neon gauntlets, and a meat-helmet, riding a horse the size of an elephant. Calls herself "Lady GooGoo".
18 - A woman whose skin appears to be ceramics, riding a horse with a rose for a face. Calls herself "Lady Elvelin".
19 - A woman dressed in only silks, exotic and alluring, riding a tiger. Calls herself "Femme Fatale".
20 - A woman with a glowing halo, attendent doves, and a background choir soundtrack, riding a winged horse. Calls herself "The Lady Saint".

12 - The Magic Item Auction

The Magic Item Auction is a total Farce. The lots are (at least, the intention is that they are) totally fake, and it is all a scam. Some of them are a little magical, but not to the full extent of the advertisement. Determine the true nature of each lot as it is introduced. Sell it for far, far too much money. Be unrepentant when its all garbage.

The True Nature of the Lot
1: Totally Non-Magical, obviously so.
2 - 4: A Very Clever Fake
5: Well, it is slightly magical. Has a greatly diminished effect.
6: Turns out this is actually the Real Deal, to everyone's great surprise

The Lots of the Auction
1 - The Turbo-Encabulator
2 - The Maul of Saint Agatha
3 - The Finger Bone of Saint Berthold
4 - The Cape of Blades
5 - Supreme Blasting Powder
6 - Infusion of Knowledge
7 - Necklace of Dragon-Control
8 - Orb of the Blue Mage
9 - A Pack of Hands of Glory
10 - A Piece of the True Covenant!
11 - A Seed of the World-Spine
12 - A Lantern of Unquenchable Flame
13 - The Mirrored Sword of The First Emperor
14 - The Troll-Bane Sigil
15 - An Earthen-Blood Blade
16 - A Ceramic Promise
17 - An Amber-Bound Pixie!
18 - A Handful of Obols from the Far Shores of Death!
19 - An Oar from the Brass-Boats of Hell!
20 - An Amulet for the Protection of the Self from Evil Eye!

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